Stepping away

It's time. I need to step away. From Blogging, from fertility meds, from being baby crazy.  It has been an emotional roller coaster around here lately. We have had health concerns within our work place in which we weren't certain whether it has been the cause of my infertility and the loss of 6 babies from 5 co-workers in a 6 month span. It has been stressful and exhausting and devastating for the last month, and it has been very hard.
The decision to step away from fertility meds and treatments did not come easily or was not taken lightly. After a 31 day cycle, after 2 months of 24-25 day cycles on the Clomid, I was convinced that I may be pregnant since I have not had a cycle that long since before I started Clomid. After many negative tests and a negative Beta blood test, my hopes were completely dashed. Devastation does not even begin to explain how I felt, and then I had to go run Parent Teacher interviews.

I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted and I just need to face the reality that I may not be able to have anymore children. I am giving it back to God. These Quotes have resonated with me lately...

 

I may find my way back, I just need some time to learn how to dance in the rain.

"A Hot Mess"

That is what my husband asked if I was going to be all weekend... a hot mess. I told him that there was a great chance that I would be. I am just feeling so down about all of this lately, and i am having a hard time separating myself from it.  Typically I can rationalise, and keep a positive frame of mind, but this month just seems harder for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the fact that its another fall that I am not pregnant, or the fact that 3 of my dearest, best friends are pregnant, 2 of which are both with in 4 days of each other. I had such high hopes that July would be my delivery month, but here I am, still waiting to see those 2 pink lines. I keep praying and begging that this is it for us, but for some reason, it just never is. I can't see why we are being put through this trial right now.  I of course feel excited for my friends and their pregnancies, especially since it is the first for one, but on the other hand, it makes me so sad to not be enjoying the process with them right now. 
I also feel guilty for being sad around them, and guilty for not enjoying the time that Ben was an infant. It may have been the only time in my life to experience it, and I wished away many a moment, spurring him on get to the next stage. It is a whole myriad of feelings I guess. 
Tomorrow I go back to my doctor to see what I can do next. Not sure what the outcome will be, but I am anxious non-the less.

**Please feel free to comment on a post if you have/are on the same journey. I would love to hear some feedback**

Halloween 2012

Holidays are just so fun with a little one. Ben was starting to understand the concept of Halloween this year. He we so excited to go ring the bell and get a treat! He was dressed as a tiger since he loves animals so very much. Here a a few pics of our night!!

The Law of Attraction/Positive Reinforcement

So today I am spotting. It is day 25. I don't even actually know if I ovulated. I never got a strong positive OPK. I had cramps and pain around day 15, but I know that 9 days is just not enough. I wonder if it's a fluke because of the HSG? I am just feeling down about it all today.
My friend suggested that I make a vision board with lots of pictures of pregnant women and babies and look at it each day, and say "I WILL get pregnant this month" because according to the Law of Attraction, putting out what I want to the universe will bring around what I want. She also suggested Acupuncture, based on the fact that it took her a year to get pregnant with  her daughter, and the month she went to acupuncture BAM! pregnant. So I am thinking about all of this.
Right now I just want to sit and eat crap food and cry. :(  Why is this SO hard???

Distraction in the 2WW

        Shopping!!! Always my favourite distraction. It is really something that I don't do very often.  I do however LOVE to shop. I am a bargain hunter extrodinare! I love finding coupons and on sale items. It's awesome. On Friday, my best girls and I are heading to the US of A(Portland and Freeport Maine to be more specific)  for our annual shopping trip. We power shop from sun up to sun down and get ALL our Christmas shopping done in those days. We save up all year, and we really buy all we need for the next year. The outlet shopping in Freeport is fantastic! Gap and Banana Republic factory outlets are my favourite. I really also LOVE the time I get to spend with my best girls.

I have been dealing with a sick babe these last 4 days, and after being shut in with a crying, whimpering, feverish, vomiting 2 year old, I am MORE than ready to have some time away.  Plus what better a way to keep me occupied from thinking obsessively about pregnancy than shopping?

Let me tell you, nothing breeds crazy, obsessive thoughts like spending 4 long days laying on the couch with a sick babe!! hahaha! I am super pumped for Friday!!!!

HSG complete!

And all is clear! It was uncomfortable, but tolerable. Now I am home hanging out with some dull cramping and a fair amount of bleeding.  I notice everything right now, but I am not in pain per-say. So, all in all a success!  Now I go back to Dr. Trites in 2-3 weeks for a follow up.  Now I wait for ovulation and hope for the best!

Twas the night before my HSG..

And all through my head, crazy thoughts are a stirrin'!  I just can't seem to separate myself from the anxiety of this procedure tomorrow. I have HUGE fear that it is going to be very painful. I have heard varying degrees of pain from different people.  I also have completed Clomid round 4 at 150mgs. What a doozie of a dose that was! I was dizzy again, and have had MAJOR hot flashes.  It has not been super fun round here!
I am hopeful that this will be our month, and I am having a hard time not being completely sure that this will work this time. I know that I will be devastated this time if it is not the fix I needed. I am worried about having to go down the fertility clinic road. So here I still, waiting, waiting, waiting..
Boo

On to the next cycle!

CD 1 Here we are again. However, I am just trying to stay positive, especially knowing that we are doing something different this cycle.
Why is this just so hard???

Spotty, spotty, spot

That is what is happening. Just light pink, but combined with my temp drop this morning, I am pretty confident I am out. On to the HSG I go. It is frustrating, but at least we are trying something different this cycle, and the HSG has an fertility increase of 30-35% for the next 3 months after the procedure.  That also would mean a summer due date.  So not so bad for my school year.
I just feel MEH at this point.

2 WW'in it up

Trying not to go completely Bat shit crazy this month is like trying to hold a Popsicle!! I am always in habit of over-thinking every.little.twinge, or I am guilty of thinking every thing I feel is a symptom.  I am bloated, I must be pregnant, I have sore nips, must be pregnant (even though I always have them at this point...) Tired? Definitely pregnant haha was that nausea? I am waking up at like 5 am and I can't get back to sleep, so I lay in bed tossing and turning wondering the whole time if I am pregnant, how will I tell people, will I get an early ultrasound etc etc etc.

I am glad for the distraction that this weekend will bring what with my sister coming home with my niece, and the baptism, plus 2 Thanksgiving dinners, I hopefully can put a lot of my crazy thoughts out of my head.

Also, my close friend, the one who found out she is pregnant? She had another miscarriage over the weekend. I am just SO devestated for her. I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that this has happened to her twice! If is just so unfair.  Needless to say, it has been a little dark in these parts lately. :(

I am scheduled to go for my HSG on October 16th if this cycle does not work out as planned.  I already have a call into my OBGYN to see what she wants me to do Clomid-wise because the end of this cycle is due to arrive in 3 days over the long weekend.  Obviously she will not be around then, So I figured I would be proactive and call in advance.    Let's hope that I don't need either the clomid OR the HSG!! 

The Perspective Maker: When you think you have it bad, someone else always has it a little worse......

 

At least I don't have THIS problem!! hahaha!!

Coping, waiting... Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Each  month, same thing. CD1 starts, and I am SO bummed out. Then I have the OBGYN mad dash to call in to see what is my next step. wait...wait...wait... Clomid round three commences. Wait to finish the meds, wait to O, wait to see if I'm pregnant. Repeat if not pregnant next cycle. 
It can be maddening, and exhausting, and so very emotional.  There are times that I avoid blogging for the fear of this becoming too dreary.  I want to stay upbeat and positive but some days it is just so damn hard. 
I am currently on CD 14, and about a week ago I went back for a follow up appointment with Dr. Trites.  She is sending me for an HSG sometime in October if this cycle does not work out.  I have to go between CD 7-10 in order to ensure that my tubes are open before I ovulate.  This procedure increases fertility by 30% and I will know whether I have a blockage or not. So I am kinda looking forward to this procedure, but not at the same time because I am afraid it will hurt. 
Monday Oct 1st I go for blood work to test my progesterone to confirm ovulation. So we will know for certain if my body is working.  I am just so hopeful that this will work this month.  I am tired of all that goes into this.
 I also get annoyed that it is just taking so damn long.  I see so many people get pregnant and now that have had their babies, and it is just so damn frustrating. I don't begrudge anyone their baby or pregnancy, but so days it can be so hard to seem enthusiastic about their babies, or their pregnancies. 
One of my very closest friends just found out she is expecting, and she has been trying for a year and has had a loss in the meantime. I am over the moon thrilled for her, but it is sometimes hard to not be a little jealous or sad that I still after all this we are not there yet.
I am grateful everyday for the blessing that is Ben, and sometimes I feel so selfish for wanting more, especially since so many other people don't even have one baby. 
Dr. Trites has given me a time limit, and if I am not pregnant in 3 more months, she is sending me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist in a fertility clinic. We have a plan.  I just hope that this will all happen on it's own (to the extent that it can) before the year is up. I am so terrified of the cost and invasiveness of procedures in a fertility clinic.  gah!!
And with THAT rant, I leave you with this:

 

Eff, Eff Eff

I am spotting and had a massive temp drop this morning.
I think I am out. I will update as I know more.
Eff

Back to work!!

Late August I started back to work, and since then, I have had NO time for blogging!! I am team-teaching with another teacher this year, so we had to set up a new class, and this first week of school is always exhausting, but I can say with certainty, I LOVE my kiddos! They are a sweet bunch this year! ::Fist pumping commences::
I figured that I would just do a quick update, I am on CD 23, 9DPO and my temps are higher than eva!! they have not been much lower than 98.6 since 4 dpo, so I am really hopeful for this month. I haven't really had many "symptom", other than twinges and cramps. I tested this morning, and got a BFN which I fully expected, yet I could not control my self anyway. haha, I have no control when it comes to peeing on sticks!
I am going to link my chart so you can see it, and our timing, which was pretty good, if I do say so myself! I am hoping to hold out until at least tuesday to test again, and I will update if anything interesting happens in the mean time!
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/261d7d

Clomid Round 2 Complete

    So Last night I took my last dose of clomid for this cycle. My OB upped my dosage to 100mg and now we just need to monitor when I ovulate so we can make sure we appropriately time everything. I am so hoping this will work! We are lucky that Hubbs has next week off from work, so we will have plenty of time for humping it out passionate love making. hahaha if this is successful I would be due at the end of may (23-25ish), which is about 5 weeks before school ends.  I could make it for almost the whole school year, which for the kids is ideal. 

    My summer at home with sweet Ben is wrapping up as well, as I go back to work monday.  We have had many big milestones this summer!! Ben is sleeping in a toddler bed AND he is fully potty trained! I was told by so many people that he would just not be ready until after he was 3, and here he is, not even 2 and a half and he is fully trained! YES! So pumped.  He is just my big boy now! 

   We are all excited to get back into the regular routine, and Ben really misses the other kids from the sitter's. He asks for them on a daily basis. So it is crunch time, time to finish up some projects from Pinterest that I started and get my school year going.

   I am feeling really positive about this cycle and can wait to see the results!!

Infertility Sucks

Round 2 of Clomid begins tomorrow. Awaiting a call from My Dr. to see how to proceed.
I just... I don't even know yet.

CD 23

And so the crazy making continues!
I am currently about 8 DPO and I of course had to break out a test this morning since my temps were still so high, but i only had a digital test. It of course came up not pregnant, but being the official crazy person that i am, I decided to pull the test strip out to see if there was any line at all, and of course there was a light second line. This is not uncommon for digitals, as they detect not only HCG the pregnancy hormone, but also the presence of LH which occurs when you ovulate. Some people however have seen these two lines and had a neg. digi, but were still pregnant. See the crazy maker!! It's not my fault!! hahaha
Anyway, I am going to buy some pink dye cheapy tests tonight and retest tomorrow. In the mean time.... the crazy making continues!!

08/08/08

08/08/08- I married my best friend. Today we celebrate 4 years married and 7 years together. In those 7 years, we both graduated university, we have moved 3 times, bought a house, got our dog Kona, lost a baby, welcomed our son to the world, and are now trying to have more babies. It has been a busy 7, but the most wonderful in the whole world. I  can't imagine my life without the Hubbs. He is my rock, my confidant, my very best friend and the person I can't do without. I love you babe!! Here's to many, many more years. xoxoxox

the morning after

What an amazing night we just had!
OMG!!
One of my besties was married last night and it was an amazingly beautiful wedding. The love that V and L share is infectious. Hubbs and I danced the night away with all our dearest friends and we all had a blast. I basically was a basket case from the time V walked down the aisle until the speeches were over. Cried like a baby.
I am so very thrilled for my friends, they are amazing!!!

The eve of pill 3

I have had an amazing week! My sister in law delivered a new baby boy in the wee hours of the morning Thursday, and Saturday My sister delivered a new baby girl!! All mama's and babies are doing wonderful! I am so very thrilled for them! I have already been lucky enough to snuggle my nephew "Ervin", and will get the pleasure of meeting my sweet niece "Emily" in October when my sister comes home.  I absolutely cannot wait.  It was a great week!

Clomid Update: Ok so the last 2 days have been pretty good on a whole. Yesterday I had mega hot flashes, and today I am dizzy dizzy dizzy.  It just came on after supper. Strange, but if this gets me pregnant, it is so worth it.

On completely separate issues, today a small bird flew into our sliding glass door!! I heard a loud thunk on the glass, looked over and saw feathers floating everywhere. I went out onto the deck to investigate and saw the poor thing upside down, flapping one wing. It was pitiful looking :( I picked it up and it's head was rolling around, so I figured that it probably broke it's neck. It couldn't even chirp anymore, and just laid there looking at me trying to make noise. I held it until it made one last weak noise and closed it's eyes and went to heaven. It was so sad. I buried it in our flower bed. 
ANNNNDDD I cried. my eyes out. What else was I supposed to do?

And so the treatment begins

Ok, so doctor's appointment was good. I got my bloodwork results back and they showed that my male hormones (androgens) were slightly elevated. Hubb's checked out just fine, and I am being treated as a PCOS patient for my lack of ovulation.
I am beginning my Clomid tonight. I take 50mg starting on CD 2-6 and then 5-10 days later I should Ovulate! Wow. it could really happen this month.
I am almost overwhelmed about this.
I will update as I take the clomid and as I chart this cycle to see if anything looks different!!
SO PUMPED!

Yikes!

Jeez.. blogger drop out! Things have been a little crazy around here in the last month. I busily spent the last month with all my focus on assessments, report cards, parent meetings and wrapping up my school year. Phew!! It was so busy and exhausting, but here I am a month later, and enjoying my first day of vaca!!! WOOT WOOT!! ::Fist pump::
So other than wrapping things up at work, we celebrated Father's Day, I have been kept busy with baking for different events and we ran around to appointments to get all my bloodwork done, and Hubb's Seman Analysis done. We go back to see Dr. Trites July 10th, which is less than 2 weeks away. I am nervously excited. I know this means answers and I am excited to begin the journey, and I feel that much closer to our goal, BUT I get anxious because I am afraid that things may be worse than we previously anticipated.
This is a more emotional journey than I ever guessed it would be. Some days I can wrap my head around all this, and others I just can't. Some days are a pity party of one, and others I am eager for the next few weeks to be over.
It is a roller coaster up in here yo!
Today I am on the brink of a new cycle. I have been spotting for 2 days and I think tomorrow will be cycle day 1 again.  That will mean I have had 3- 30 day cycles. which is nice that they are shortening, but it's not like I am ovulating, so I guess the point is moot.  I also have had the weirdest reactions to my period starting.  I sometimes almost am relieved, because that means that Dr. Trites was right, and we really can't get pregnant on our own, and sometimes I am angry and frustrated that Dr. Trites is right and we CAN'T get pregnant on our own.  It is weird.
I figured, based on when I think I will be able to start clomid (If that is the road we end up taking) I won't be having a baby until at least this time next year, if not later in the summer. I figure that the clomid will take a while to work too. So I still am waiting, but am a pinch closer!
Thank goodness for summer vacation, so at least I am not going to be a crazy person at work during this process.

The Steps to a Baby

step 1:   Go to OB's office, and be told you have a little larger problem than you had anticipated. {check}

step 2:   Get 8 (yes, 8) viles of blood taken to have sent off for analysis{check}

step 3:   Have Hubb's sample brought in for analysis {Wednesday a.m. sample will be collected ;) and sent to pathology} {Check}

Step 4:   Return to OB to find out results from afore mentioned 8 viles and Hubb's sample. { July 10}  {Check}

Step 5:   Currently unknown {Clomid 50mgs CD 2-6}

As this process unfolds I am finding it a little overwhelming some day. The fact that we just can't do this on our own makes me really upset some days. I feel betrayed by my body. Why could we get pregnant so easily twice before, and since Ben, we can't at all? 

This has been such a long process. I first went off birth control Jan. 2011. This was when I had 60+ day cycles and had no sweet clue as to what was going on.  Fast forward to July '11. I began charting and by September noticed that I was ovulating late (Or not at all by what Dr. Trites says) and had a very short LP.  Then came Nov. '11 where I started blogging and really hoping it would happen for us, because I REALLY wanted to have a baby in the summer.  I was still excited and hopeful and DEVASTATED when it didn't happen each and every cycle. I think that was when the realization began setting in that maybe it won't happen naturally for us.
Cut to Jan. '12 when we made it to the year mark that it takes for healthy, normal couples to conceive and we still we're not pregnant. Feb '12 I called my family doc. to see me, Mar'12 I had my appointment with him, and was referred on to an OBGYN. May '12 we finally see Dr. Trites and still have an appointment with Dr. Sheppard scheduled for Sept. '12 just in case. 

It has taken us 16-17 months to get here. That's right, almost a year and a half, and I am now hopeful that we will be pregnant by the end of the year.  The long winding road is starting to straighten out and get a lot shorter. 

phew..

A-Typical PCOS

My Doctor thinks that I may actually have PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I am A-Typical in the fact that I am not overweight and I don't have problems with cysts on my ovaries, but she believes that I am either not ovulating at all, OR I am not producing enough hormones to make a good enough egg.

I am being sent for blood work and I go back in 6 weeks for a follow up, where she will put me on Clomid to force the ovulation to occur.
The idea of clomid alone has spurred a discussion between the Hubbs and I.  With Clomid can come Multiples. Multiples also already runs on both sides of my family, so we had to really talk about how we felt about this.

I am excited that I am not in the unknown category now, and I can place a label on my problem. I have secondary infertility with possible PCOS.  I am so excited to be on the right path now. It is helping to calm my mind for a while.

My unknown path has a light shining on it,all of a sudden!

Saturday!!!

This Saturday I have my OBGYN appointment with Dr. Trites!!
I am SO pumped! I also still have an appointment with DR sheppard's office just incase.
::FIST PUMPS::

Dropping the Blogging Ball

Whoops!!
There another few weeks went again!! Time is sliding away from me what with all the meetings and such that have been going on at school recently, I just haven't found time to post! It's May. Where did the time go? I have 6 and a half weeks of school left until our summer break, and I feel like it is going to be gone in an instant.  I feel just about ready to wrap this year up and start fresh.  I have had a challenging class this year, and I am feeling a little burnt out. It will soon be battery re-charge time.

My goals for the summer are as follows:
1. Re-organize my whole house. This includes closets and cabinets too.
2. Finish my curtains for my living room and kitchen. They are cut out, but not sewn.
3. Make a Pinterest craft that I have pinned each week.
4. Continue running, and improve my speed and stamina. 
5. Spend as much time as humanly possible outside with Ben/ Just spend as much time as possible with Ben.
6. Up load pictures consistently to my blog.
7. Have spontaneous date nights with Hubbs
8. Get pregnant.

So that is the start. I am sure the list will continue to grow as the next 6 weeks pass.
Notice #8?? Last month was a bust. I did however have a 28 day cycle which has been unheard of in the last 18 months ever.  I only ovulated on day 20 though, so my Luteal Phase is still effed up. I currently am waiting for another OB office to call me back with an appointment time, and I have an appointment for September 14th with Dr. Sheppard's office in case Dr. Trites is no faster. Hopefully Dr. Trites will see me before then.
It still is a waiting game.  I am getting into my fertile window, and I just hope that 2 weeks from now I will have some fantastic news.
In the mean time, I will try to post more!! Shame on me!

Over Whelmed, Underwhemled and Everything in between

In a nut shell, that is my life right now. I am such a mix of emotions each and every day. I don't quite know what to do with myself anymore.  I am trying not to focus too hard on cycle days and symptoms and being so directly involved with what my body is doing.  I temp and chart, and have noticed that my cycles are dialing back to a more "normal" length.  Of course it is just after I get referred to an OBGYN.  I am finding it a little hard not to be optimistic this month. I am on cycle day 20 and I think I will either O today or tomorrow.  WHAT?  day 20-21?? that hasn't happened since July 2011!! Last month my cycle was 33 days, so if I O on CD 20-21 and have a 33 day cycle I actually have a chance!
it is SO hard not to be hopeful.

I keep trying to push aside any of those feelings, so that I don't have to deal with the let down in 2 weeks.  That alone is a HUGE process for me. I am generally a hopeful and optimistic person, and I feel like this process is changing me.

I feel alone and scared a lot of the time. I feel like I have been dealt another sucky hand. I was the first person in my group of friends to have a miscarriage and now I am the first dealing with IF.  I kinda hate it.  There is no one to talk to about how this affects me.
I really swear if someone else tells me that babies come in their own time, and it's all God's plan or when you stop trying it will happen I think I just may lose my shit. WTF kind of advise is that anyway?? How does that even make any sense?

IF of any kind is heartbreaking and difficult to deal with, especially when the cause is unknown. 

Jeepers!!

Long time, No post!!
It has been a busy last 2 weeks for sure!! On the 23rd we celebrated our little love's 2nd Birthday!! I managed to curb the desire to breathe into a paper bag all day. Where has the last 2 years of my life gone? Where is my baby? He is such a big boy now! At 2, Ben loves Mickey Mouse(Still), Elephants, Trains and cars.  He can say more words than I can keep up with on a daily basis. He can form sentences that make sense to what he wants( as in Ben want more supper). He follows directions frequently when he chooses to, and loves to "run," and "Drump"(jump) He is finally a great sleeper, and we cut the bottle out of his life. He loves to play outside and he loves a good cookie. He is just so funny and sweet.  He is a happy and content boy at 2. We are so stinkin' lucky to have him in our lives. 
To celebrate our Ben, we had a family "Mickey Mouse" party.  Ben had such a fun time loving on both sides of his family.  We bought him a train table for his birthday, and have heard "Toot-toot"non-stop since! hahaha
After we tucked away all the birthday fun, it was onto writing student report cards, as well as having a district team in our school to review/rate our practises. next week we are onto the Parent/Teacher meeting and then I am HOME FREE for the Easter weekend!!!!! SO pumped and I CAN'T wait!!! So in between writing reports, and planning and creating birthday decor, I have been a busy girl!!
I did speak to the OB's office and found out it will be a 6 month wait until I can get an appointment. boo.  I am disappointed for that, but I think things may be settling cycle wise. I had a 33 day cycle this month AND I ovulated around day 24ish. The LP is still not great, but I think that the Soy may be bringing my ovulation on earlier. WOOT WOOT!  I am going to start the soy again tomorrow until day 7 and I have kept up with the B complex. So we shall see. I was a little shocked to see AF start yesterday, and disappointed that we will not be having a baby in 2012.  Hopefully 2013 is it and we don't have to wait until 2014!

Coming to Terms

This has been the theme of my life for awhile now. Coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't getting pregnant right away again, coming to terms with all the other people surrounding me that are having babies, annnnddd now coming to terms with..... You guessed it.... "Secondary Infertility".

The title itself sounds terrible. Like I contracted some disease or something.  As you probably could tell. I had my Doctor's appointment yesterday, and some of my worst fears were realised. I DO have a problem, and it's something my GP isn't comfortable treating.  HOWEVER I have been referred to the OB/GYN that I worked with when I was pregnant with Ben. So for that alone, I am grateful. He is a wonderful man and doctor and I feel safe having my fertility placed in his hands.  I am kinda glad that I am not the only one seeing this "un-able to get pregnant" thing as a problem. It's not just me. phew!!
But, now I am walking a very unidentified path. I feel like Alice in Wonderland when the broom sweeps her path home away.
So I am now waiting for a call from Doctor Sheppard with an appointment, where I will get a full Fertility work up. Hubbs also has to get a full fertility test too, so we will know where our problem lays.  It could be something as simple as a hormone im-balance or it may be something more complicated. 
At least we are on a path that will give us some answers, the path may be uncharted and scary, but at least I have my Hubbs' hand to hold as we walk it.

Update

So, Not too much has been going on here since I last posted. Other than a day of Ugly cry when AF showed up on CD 42. I currently am sitting on my couch while my babes sleeps. I am off on March Break for the last week and have gotten NOTHING done that I wanted to. I have the flu! AGAIN! Thank goodness it isn't stomach flu like last time, just the stuffed nose, coughing, chills, fever kind.  So I basically laid on the couch all week. Boo.
On Wednesday I am going to the Doctor's to discuss my cycles and see it there is anything he can do for me at this point. My cycles have been out of whack for 14+ months now, and I am OVER it.
Let's hope he sends me home with some concrete info and a plan. I just KNOW something is up.
I am terrified and no one really understands.

NOT PREGNANT.








that is all for today

A Nephew!

  This summer I will be a proud Auntie to a sweet baby Boy! My brother in law and his wife found out today that they are expecting a boy, which is so nice because they have a sweet baby girl already! I am SUPER pumped for them, and can't wait to find out what my sister is having in March!
Will I have 2 Nephews or another Niece and a Nephew this summer?  To be continued!
  In baby news on my end, we are still waiting. I am too anxious to test, tomorrow will be CD 40 and I have had LOTS of cramps, so I probably am out, but I guess we will see with what tomorrow brings! My temp is still high for me, which is great, but it usually gives me false hope.
I HATE THE WAIT!!

Time Marches On

     Man! It seems like FOREVER since I last posted! It has been close to two weeks, and it has just flown by for me! With me being sick, and then Ben being sick, and then Hubbs being sick, and a VERY busy time at work the time has just gotten away from me. We are all back to our regular selves, and I am in the busy "right before March break" time at school.  It also is about 6 weeks until 2nd term reports go home, parent teacher, and our school review! I know the next 2 weeks will fly by and I am so ready for March Break! A whole week home with my little pumpkin! Can't wait!
    To play catch up, on Feb 3rd, we celebrated my sister's 30th birthday, where she got her first ultrasound at 13 weeks. We also celebrated Valentine's Day in a quiet kind of way by ordering supper in and just hanging out as a family.  THIS week was my brother's 24th birthday and my grandmother's 84th birthday AND today is my sister in law's birthday. ANNNDDD next weekend we are going to a friend of Ben's 3rd birthday and it's my father in law's 83rd birthday! PHEW!!! Lots going on!
    On the baby making front, I am on CD 35 and I am 6DPO, which means I ovulated 1 day earlier than last cycle, and 3 days earlier than the cycle before that! The B6 may be doing it's thang!! Even with all the sickness running through our family, Hubbs and I managed to time our sex pretty well, so I am now just waiting to see if there will be a Halloween baby coming to join our family this year. My period is due Feb 22nd, so I will know for sure this time next week. 
     I must admit, I am starting to not really want to test because I just HATE seeing the negatives each time, so if I don't see anything going on by Wednesday, I will test on the weekend.  I really find it hard to test in the morning and then have to go to work. Yes the kids DO distract me, but at the same time, I still feel like my game gets thrown off, and I don't deal with the ups and downs as well.
    So, on CD 35 my phantom symptoms ARE: Lots of random cramps, a weird tight uterus last night, LOTS of CM (Barf, TMI, I know, but what do you expect! haha) and very sore little Nips. They are like knives! All of the above, however, may just be PMS symptoms for an impending visit. We shall see.

Mommy Guilt

I has it.

     My sweet baby boy has gotten my illness, or at least a combination of my stomach flu and a cold/regular flu.  It's not that he is sick that has induced the guilt, it's the fact that I sent him to the sitter's this morning so that I could go to work and be with other people's kids that has me guilt stricken.  I just couldn't take any more days off.  So I feel guilty. It is the plague of the working mother. I guess I will always feel guilty for something.  I just wish I could have stayed home and snuggled my boy while he felt like complete crap.  We spent much of the night together, Ben and I, with me clocking in abooouuuutt 2 hours sleep total, making it an extra hard decision to come to work. I was not fully in the game, but I was here, and I have a GREAT lesson plan for tomorrow just in case things get worse at home tonight.

    My being sick and now Ben being sick has really derailed my plans for sex every other day, but I have to focus on my health and Ben's right now, and as disheartening it is to know that I probably won't get pregnant this month again, I really do have to put Ben first. 
     As per Fertility Friend,  I *could* have ovulated on CD 15 which would be a first for me, so we will see what happens in the next 2 weeks I guess.  Today is CD 23, so normally I would have 17 days left in my cycle, lets hope I know something before that.
Fingers crossed for a more sleep filled night!

Sick in my Fertile Window

Boooo
that's me right now. Sick. However, I didn't have to take the day off because it's another snow day. So I didn't have to plan for a supply, which is always great.  The sucky part is that I have approximately 2 weeks now that I could potentially get pregnant, and the last thing I feel like doing is having sex.  I have chills so bad that I can't stop shaking, and I keep having hot flashes and I feel like I may either pass out, or throw up, I'm just now sure which one yet.
I repeat boooo... 

Waiting to "O"

    This is the most boring time in my cycle. The waiting and waiting for ovulation.  Now in my last post I mentioned that if baby did not occur this cycle I was going to start Soy.... riiiiggghhhhttt.. so I came across a bottle at my local Shoppers Drug Mart.  I have been on the hunt since CD 3, and low and behold, I finally snapped up a bottle on CD 8.  Now the recommendations are to take it CDs 1-5, 3-7 or 5-9... I decided to tempt fate and took it CDs 8-11. 100mgs each evening at supper.  I threw caution to the wind and I guess you should Ovulate from 7-10 days after you stop your soy.  That would put me O-ing around CDs 18-21 rather than CD 30-32. I am currently on CD 13 and now just waiting to see if I happen to Ovulate any earlier than last month.  BOOORRRRING!!
     I am currently home enjoying a snow day with my boy. He just went down for a nap and it has been quiet down his end for about 5 minutes AANNDD the plow just went by. Nice.
Oh, as for side effects while on the soy, I took them at 5pm each evening in order to keep at 4-5 hour space between them and my synthroid, and felt pretty good. I was however, (according to Hubbs) slllightly more irritable than usual.  hahaha I really felt it too. Very frustrated with my family, and my kiddos at work! yikes!! Let's hope I don't have to keep on taking the soy for long!
   IF and I repeat IF we finally get pregnant this month I will be due around Halloween.  Gosh that would be fun to have a tiny wee one to dress up this year!

Vitamins, Vitamins and More Vitamins

     So this month I have decided to start taking a full B complex vitamin. I currently am taking a prenatal and Vit. D (the D to replace the calcium the thyroid meds take from my system) This past weekend I did some research and read about adding B6 to my list of supplements. As research shows, B6 helps in lengthening a short Luteal Phase(which I seem to have), and without the proper amount of B6 in your system you may not be able to sustain a pregnancy. It was recommended to me to take at least 50mg a day and increase it up to 200mg if you don't see results. The B12 is great for reducing the risk of Heart Disease, and I also read that it helps you absorb the B6.

     So hopefully I will notice a change by the end of this cycle. I know that it may take some time to get fully into my system, but even lengthening my LP by 1 day would really help.  Last month it was 9 days, so if I can increase it to 10 days it may be enough for an egg to attach.  If not, I also have researched Soy Isoflavones which basically is nature's "Clomid". Clomid is what doctor's prescribe to patients to help encourage (or kick start) ovulation.  I cannot go see my doctor regarding fertility until we have been trying for a year without success.  So, even though I know I have a problem with late ovulation and short LPs and I have loads of data(6+ months of BBT charting) He still will not see me regarding the matter.  SOOO since I cannot get clomid, I researched a natural alternative, which is called "Soy Isoflavones".  

      As research seems to show, and I quote here " "Soy Isoflavones" is a natural plant derived phytoestrogen (phyto means plant), which is an anti-estrogen, just like Clomid. Both are known as SERMs (Selective Estrogen Receptor Modulators). It works by fooling your brain into thinking its estrogen levels are low. This causes your body to reslease more FSH & LH which helps stimulate follicle production (same as Clomid). " apparently you can buy this at Walmart for 7-8$. So I have decided that if this is not my cycle, I am going to hunt this product down and try it next month. I am already too late to try it this month because you have to take it on Cycle Days 1-5 or 2-6, or 3-7 or 5-9. I am on CD 6 now, so too late, but it gives me a plan for next month.
I am clearly a Type A personality... I need a plan to keep me sane on this TTC path I am on. 

The Verdict

Annnnnddddd the verdict is in...

I  am ...... NOT pregnant

again.
 
Even though my temp still was sky high today, no drop like normal, I tested this morning and it was a very clear negative.  I have some spotting, not full period like spotting, just tinted CM, and only sometimes when I wipe, but I'm sure it's just a slow start. 
Worst part was that I really had hoped that with all the differences in my cycle this month, this would be it, but nope. It's still not my time.
I think I need to go back to my doctor and talk to him about lengthening my Luteal Phase and hopefully I can get something to help push my ovulation back so that I get more of a regular 12-14 day LP rather than the 7-9 days I have had since July. 
Deep down I fear that I have a secondary infertility or something. I have gotten pregnant twice now, and have had one successful pregnancy, but that just doesn't guarantee that it will happen so easily this time.  
My Doctor once called me "Fertile Mertile", clearly he was mistaken.

hmmmm...

  So today I am 8 DPO and for the first time ever my temp has gone up. Typically I have a temp spike around 6-7DPO and then the next day is a drastic drop and my period starts by 8DPO. Now Fertility friend says that I am only 7 dpo, but I am pretty sure based on all fertility signs as well as my temp drop that I actually ovulated a day earlier. So in reality I usually have started bleeding today 8 DPO. hmmmm #1.  Also last night I had some pink tinted CM and I was pretty sure that I was out. I figured that by this morning that AF would be in full swing. Nope. Much to my shock, nothing this morning and a temp rise.  hmmm # 2.  I also noticed that I ovulated 2 days earlier this month. Typically I am on CD 32 for ovulation, but this month it was CD 30. hmmm #3.  Now, as opposed to last month I have NO "symptoms" or phantom symptoms as they tend to be called(since you work yourself up to think you have symptoms) none at all. I remember that this was also the case when I was pregnant with Ben. I was away camping/hiking for the weekend with Hubbs and another couple when I thought I was going to get my period, and never did.  I got up the nerve 3 days later to test, and it was positive.  hmmm#4
  All these things have me thinking, but I don't want to get my hopes up yet. I have decided to wait until next week to test if AF doesn't show on her own.  It is just too hard to see the negative. 
Did I also mention that 3 other friends on FB announced their pregnancies?? That's like 5 in 2 months.   
Will I be part of this Baby-palosa?? Here's hopin!!

In Retrospect

   This morning I was talking with the Hubbs about how I was feeling about this being my last vacation day. I told him that I was pretty bummed out this time that I had to go back to work. Ben is at SUCH a fun age right now, learning so many new things, saying so many funny things, that I am actually sad to be leaving him this time.  This time last year Ben was 9 months old and still not being a good sleeper. He was still either up every 2 hours or he would sleep from 7:30pm-2am and then be up for the day. I was a basket case. Literally. BUT I was so excited to be going back to work and becoming "Hillary" again. I really felt like I lost a huge part of myself after Ben was born. During my maternity leave, I felt like I lost who I was, I really felt like a prisoner of my own life. I think there were times that I probably should have seen someone (a professional) to discuss my feelings, because looking back now, I think there was a strong possibility that I had some postpartum depression. So going back to work last year meant reclaiming a HUGE part of who  I am. I LOVE what I do and sometimes feel lost when I am not teaching. It's just what I was meant to do in life.

   Fast forward to now, and the reluctance in going back to work is just that I love the personality Ben is showing, and I have loved watching him play and learn and grow. These are the reasons that I am looking forward to having more children. I can't wait to see my kids grow and learn. It's such a privilege to be a part of it all. I am of course a little scared for the time after a new babe joins our family. It was rocky at best with Ben, but we pulled through, so I figure that I can't cope any worse than I did last time! hahaha
Hubbs and I have grown so much as a couple in the last 2 years that I feel like we are ready to take this on again, and I really believe that we will get through it easier than last time.

    On the Baby making front, I am on CD 31, and I *Think* I ovulated 2 days ago based on the rise I have had in my temps. I feel like the timing this month was much better, but I am still not confident. I think that I am just assuming I won't be pregnant this month to avoid the disappointment that was last month.  I do feel calmer than last month, which is good not only for me,  but also for Hubbs. Way less stress. We will see what happens! I should know within 12 days.

Hello 2012

I love new beginnings. I love the start of a new season, the start of a new school year, and especially the start of a new year. I am the type of person who feels a type of freshness with each new section of time. I even love ripping off the page on my calendar on the fridge. I always feel as though I can put to bed all the things that I struggled with or had a hard time coming to terms with, and start new. I love taking the time to re-organize my house and get things going for another year. 

     2011 was a good year in the fact that I saw some things in my life go the way I hoped and prayed. There have been many times in my life that I did not get the things I thought I wanted, or things I really did want, but late spring was good to me this year. I am so thankful to have the job I have now, and have the sitter we wanted for Ben. God heard me this time round, and for that, I thank Him each day.  Financially, professionally, and romantically 2011 was fantastic. Hubbs and I were able to get back to our normal selves. We struggled with knowing how to still be "Us" after Ben was born, and with me going back to work, and lots of discussion, tears, and time, we have worked our way back to being fantastic partners for each other again.  I am so in love with that man it's ridiculous. He is my very best friend and keeps me laughing each and every day. 

     What can I say about my sweet Ben. He is just the icing on my cake of life. What a joyful, happy child we have. I am lucky to have been chosen to be in his life as his mother. What a blessing he is. 2011 marked the year our sweet boy turned one (cue mommy tears) firsts like walking, running, singing, skipping etc.. I could go on and on about my little monkey. He truly is such a blessing.

     In 2011 we celebrated the marriage of my Brother in law and his (now) wife, their daughter's first birthday and another year with our beloved Bernese Mix pup Kona. There has been just so many joyful moments with friends and family. I am lucky to be surrounded with amazing people, both in my personal and professional life. phew! what a year!
     There of course are always bumps in the road and disappointments,  but being a glass half full girl, I choose to put to rest my woes and my sadness of what wasn't to be, and tuck 2011 away with fond memories of what was GREAT.

My Hopes and Dreams for 2012 (aka the resolutions)

I hope:
1. To remember to keep my patience with both Ben and Hubbs
2. To not measure myself with the successes or failing of others
3. To make sure I take Me time and do the things I enjoy (like cake decorating!)
4. To thank God every day for the gifts in my life. I recently heard a quote " what if today you had only the things you thanked God for yesterday?" and it really made me think that I need to make sure that God knows how thankful I am for the things in my life. I ask for, and pray for a lot, but do I thank as much as I ask?
5. To be a supportive Sister/Sister-in-law during their pregnancies
6. To Love on my Husband and Son everyday, and make sure they fully know I love them
7. To hopefully expand my family again, and be blessed with a new little life
Here's to the start of a new year, and to the hopes and dreams of 2012!
Cheers!