Merry Christmas!

What a beautiful weekend we have had. Yesterday(Christmas Eve) was filled with hanging out as a family, going to visit my Aunt for a little bit, going to a bustling service at our church at 4pm, and then going to my parent's place for supper.  Around 6:30 we got a call from my sister and her husband who had just made it into Calgary to spend Christmas with my Brother-in-law's parents.  Low and behold they are expecting too! She is due a week after my sister-in law is due. Little Leo babies all around. Two new little nieces or nephews!
Today was a great. Ben was so in wonder of all the gifts he found under the tree.  He loved unwrapping and playing with all his new toys! He was in such a sweet mood today, running around, saying "Ho Ho Ho", and loving on everyone.  We went down to Hubb's brother's place for a late lunch/early dinner, which was so fun. The only un-fun moments were when my father-in-law and mother-in-law each asked separately if I had an "announcement" I'd like to share with everyone today.  Just drive the nail in deeper please. Like I am not completely aware that I am not pregnant yet. I really needed those lovely reminders!! But taking that all in stride, we had a beautiful Christmas, and we are truly blessed to have such a sweet son to share our holiday with. I thank God every day for the Gift of our son. I will post some pictures this week of our day.

On another note, when talking to my sister last night, she told me that she wants to blog her pregnancy experience so that all our family can share in their journey. I Love that idea, since I just love my blog. I, however, don't think I am ready to go public with this blog as of yet. I told my sister that I was blogging, and she was all "Oh hey! Send me your link!" but I don't know if I am ready for that yet. Just knowing someone in my family would read this makes me kinda hyperventilate. I mean I know Deeds is out there reading, but I don't feel like I need to censor myself in anyway for her, but I just don't know if I can blurt out all of my lack-of-filter comments if I know my family would be tuning in.  Maybe when I do finally fall pregnant I will make this public, and in that case I would probably delete these trying to conceive posts, but until that day comes around, I think we will stay the way we are... anonymous(kinda)

Tis' the season!!

What a whirl wind few weeks this has been!
   The holiday season is full swing, and I been fully caught up in it! I just LOVE the Christmas holidays. I love the hunt for gifts, I love the decorating, baking and Christmas carols. I love the masses at our church during advent and all that people do to support one another during this beautiful season.

  My holiday season started with a staff party, next rolled through all the fun with decorating a christmas tree with a little man who was determined to help un-decorate it! Then I hosted a baby shower for a co-worker/old friend from elementary school, which was awesome! AND then this past weekend we had an annual turkey dinner/Yankee swap with my very sweetest friends, where we were able to celebrate one of my oldest friend's engagement. What a fantastic time I have had, soaking up all the holiday cheer.
I am so looking forward to this weekend. I can't wait for lunch time on Friday, when I get to pick my sweet boy up for the sitter's early.This will be the kick off for a WONDERFUL weekend with family.
    On Christams eve, we are going to church at 4pm, and then heading to my parent's to celebrate Christmas with them, and then Christmas day, we are heading to my Brother in law's place to exchange gifts and celebrate with Hubb's side of the family. I am so excited that we get to have Christmas dinner in our own little house this year!!
    This week at school will be a whirlwind, with a class trip to go bowling, a school wide Christmas breakfast, a class "Polar Express" party and Christmas carolling.  I am so ready for it!!
   On the baby front we are on cycle day 14  which means I have any where from 10-20 days until ovulation. My christmas break will be "Busy" haha!!
My letter to Santa should read: "Dear Santa, I know it looks like I've been naughty, but all this fucking has been with a purpose!!"  haha

Photo Book

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Here is my project as of late. It is a Christmas gift for Hubb's parents. I am so thrilled as to how it turned out!! EEK!!
This is the first 20 months of my sweet boy's life. I get a little misty eyed looking at all the pictures organized this way.
I just don't know where the time (or my sweet baby) went!

Not Pregnant

So remember how I was going to wait to test. Looks like I don't have to. AF came today. I almost half expected it because my temperature started to tank today. I was still, however, surprised to see it show up this morning.
It kind of devastated me. I really had my hopes up.  I don't know why I thought that all would work out according to plan. It really sucks because now I won't have a summer due date and it screws up my school year. I had plans to go out in the summer and actually take a whole year off and not go out or come back in the middle. I find it really effects the class. So yes, it was very devastating to know that I was for sure not.
I am in a funk. Seriously and most of it stems from the fact that I now have to wait another 40 days to find out if we were successful. 40 just seems so damn daunting.
F U C K

Perspective Change

Ok, so here's the long and short of it all.  I need to calm the eff down. I am making myself and my hubbs crazy. Truly Crazy.  I am over analysing every thing that is going on with my body right now.  My chart on Fertility friend keeps changing when I ovulated, so now I am not sure it any of our timing was right.  Today was the number I had put into my own head for a testing date.  Things temperature wise have been on par... the number has sky rocketed, and stayed up, so that's great.  I guessed that I was 13 dpo, so I broke out a test this morning, and Big ol' Negative.  Very clearly NOT PREGNANT.  Ok, so I am down about that and don't understand. When I put my temp into Fertility Friend it moves my ovulation day to 4 days ago.
4 days ago...

Did you catch that??

4 days ago...

so maybe I didn't ovulate when I thought back on day 25.  If that is the case I am pretty much starting my 2WW all over again. WTF! I just thought I went through it!! It truly is maddening.  I am at the point where I am exhausted of trying to guess what is going on with my body. So I have decided that I am going to dive into the spirit of the season and let go of worrying so much about myself.  How effing selfish am I. Wah wah wah I have long cycles.. wah wah wah  I need to man up and put myself aside and start thinking about what I can do to make this holiday special for others in my life.

I am not testing and not worrying about if I am pregnant or not.  If I am, I am, if I'm not, AF will show up eventually. If I haven't had a period by the 20th I will test. By then I should know either way.  That will be cycle day 56 and LORD knows I should start by then!! 
Tomorrow we are getting our Christmas Tree, my best GFs are coming over, and tonight is my work Christmas party. A GREAT kick off to the weekend and the holiday season! (Let's hope this attitude sticks around for longer than today, and I can control myself and not POAS! GAH!!)  

Still here, still waiting, still going crazy

This is the worst part about having THE longest cycles of life. You have to wait sooo friggen long to get your answer. I am at the point now where I just want to know because I am ready to move onto the next cycle. I don't know why I've given up hope.  I just have the worst feeling that I am out this cycle.  Everyone says... "when it's the right time it will happen".  No effing duh.. clearly there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this, but they just don't understand that this is the 'right' time for me.

I want this so bad I can taste it.  I feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant, and here I sit STILL waiting! Even the people who arn't "Trying" per say (but not preventing) are getting  pregnant! I feel like burying myself in a pile of blankets until the weekend.

Nice post right? How Debbie Downer of me.

I guess that's what cycle day 34 and 9 days past ovulation turns me into.  A Moody, emotional mess.
PMS? Symptoms? God only knows.  Other things going on with my body.. sore boobs, cramps for a week and ridiculous dreams. Like we are talking about dreaming I was in the Walking Dead WTF?

A Surprise Snow Day

   Today is an awesome day. I get to be home with my sweet love of a baby boy, and neither of us are sick! Snow Days are truly the sweetest gift you can get as a teacher. Totally unprofessional I know, but who wouldn't love a day off in the middle of their work week?  Really though?!
   What's on the docket today? Making from scratch my favourite soup ever.  What is better than on a cold snowy day than a delicious bowl of your fav soup for supper. Not much in my opinion.  The down fall to today? The 2 week wait(2WW) obsession can continue with not much distraction. 
I have about 9 days before I can test, so I have been having major cramps for 3 days now. What does that mean you ask? At this point not much haha
    I would guess I am not the only person to obsess about what is going on with her body during the interesting time of trying to get pregnant, but I am glad that I made the choice to start documenting the process.  I really do forget what I felt when I was pregnant with Ben, and I regret not doing this when I had the first thoughts back in 09.  Even if no one reads this other than me, I at least will have a great journal of my late twenties.

the dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT!

   So I'm pretty sure I ovulated. I'm still not sure how to read Fertility friend and my chart, but I am working on it. Based on my temps and cervical fluid it seems that I have ovulated, so now I am stuck in that awful two week wait before I can test. I *Think* that I am 3 dpos but I have to wait for 3 days of higher temps to confirm the ovulation(as per fertility friend rules) God!
    I feel like I've been obsessing over this for the last month, and now that I feel like I am in the home stretch it's torture!! I just need to know NOW.  clearly I won't,because, let's face it, I probably am not even actually pregnant yet, but man the waiting sucks. I analyze every, and I mean every thing my body is doing... could THIS be a symptom?? blahhh
  I guess that I will have to fill my thoughts with something other than the two lines I am dreaming to see.  Bring on the Christmas decorating!!

The Waiting Game

  So here we are Cycle Day 22. Ovulation? I don't know. My stupid body has been f-ed up since my august cycle. I originally thought that maybe my thyroid was out of whack again because that is usually the contributor to long cycles for me,so I went for blood work at the end of September, and all was normal on that side. I also have recently lost 10 lbs,which for me, is quite a lot and quite noticeable.  My Doctor attributed it to the stress of going back to work after a nice relaxing summer. I don't know. I still eat the same amount, but maybe since I switched grade from teaching grade 4 to grade 1 I am running around more? 
     
 Who knows..     

      Anyway, so I have been checking my CM and temping and charting, but since I am too cheap to invest in the VIP fertility friend I am not sure when my ovulation is. I can see clear dips and peaks in my temps, but I can't read them.  Yesterday the OPK was negative, and today I am having A LOT of  egg white CM. I guess all I can do is test with the OPK again tonight when I get home, and keep on temping/checking CM. 
  
    Am I in the two week wait? Did we time "it" right? When is AF going to show her dirty face.. I guess all I can do is keep playing the waiting game!

Ramblings...A Little about us

So now that I have jumped into this, I feel like I should give a little background to my life. 


    I am Hillary, a 28 year old wife and Mom. My Hubbs and I have been together for 6.5years, married for just over 3. We met at our mutual university part-time job, both with significant others at the time.  Our other relationships faded out, and we began to date. 2 Years later we married on 08/08/08 on the most beautiful day ever, and December that same year we unexpectedly found out we were expecting. We had talked about children of course, and we were starting to toss the idea around of adding to our family, when I realized that my dear sweet friend Aunt Flo was no where to be seen.  This came as a surprise because I was on Birth Control, and had been for the 10 years previous with no problems... so, needless to say, I was shocked when that test showed two sweet lines.


    I remember that moment like it was yesterday.. glancing down in utter disbelief, mouth dropped wide. I was pregnant!! I started to smile, ran into our bedroom, bouncing on the bed, waking my still sleeping Hubbs up, waving the test in his face.  We were shocked and thrilled and terrified all at the same time. 


    Fast forward two weeks of smug secret keeping, to Christmas day. We naively announced to our families that we were going to be parents. We all were so excited and our Christmas day was sweet and blissful.  December 26th 2008, a day I will never forget.  I was having a lot of back pain, and just attributed it to sleeping wrong, and then the bleeding started.  I was so terrified, and I couldn't stop from crying and shaking. Deep down I knew what was happening.
    I went to my Doctor's office the next day, and he sent me for an ultrasound.  Hubbs and I went to the ultrasound appointment, terrified hand clutching terrified hand.  The ultrasound screen said it all, and the silence from our tech spoke volumes.  We just sat there staring at the picture of my empty uterus. Devastated.   Our dreams and excitement robbed from us so quickly. 
     It turns out that my thyroid levels were extremely high, diagnosing me with Hypothyroidism.  My loss was due to my high levels. I was put on synthroid and have been on it ever since. 
     It took 6 months for my levels to get back to normal, and for us to get the go ahead to start trying to conceive again.  Hello July 2009, first month out for us, no charting, no temping, BAM, I was pregnant again. 
   
      After another bleeding scare at 7 weeks and a difficult pregnancy (which I eventually will tell you all about) I was blessed with a quick and easy delivery, and a beautiful peanut of a baby boy (5lbs11oz).  Ben hung out in the NICU for 5 days on phototherapy lights to get his bili levels down, and then we were able to take him home. 
        It has been almost 20 months since Benjamin's birth and We feel ready to add to our family once again.   Currently I am on cycle day 21 out of a possible 40(ish) I have irregular cycles and I ovulate pretty late in my cycle.  So we are jumping into this thing with both feet for the next 2+ weeks.


     That is a tidbit of where we have come from, and where we hope to end up.  Keep your fingers crossed that we can get pregnant quickly again!!

Beginnings..

So.. here we are. I am diving into the blogging world. I have been debating doing this since my husband and I starting thinking about TTC# 1.  I feel like there is so much for me to say, and I can't necessarily say all I want to the people around me in my real life. So this blog is a new beginning for me.  My husband and I are trying to conceive our second child, and I cannot share the ups and downs of the charting, temping and OPK world with my friends and family, so I am sharing it with the rest of the world haha. This blog will be my attempt to record and remember all the things I can't remember on my own.
Hello Blogging world, I am thrilled to be here!!