In a nut shell, that is my life right now. I am such a mix of emotions each and every day. I don't quite know what to do with myself anymore. I am trying not to focus too hard on cycle days and symptoms and being so directly involved with what my body is doing. I temp and chart, and have noticed that my cycles are dialing back to a more "normal" length. Of course it is just after I get referred to an OBGYN. I am finding it a little hard not to be optimistic this month. I am on cycle day 20 and I think I will either O today or tomorrow. WHAT? day 20-21?? that hasn't happened since July 2011!! Last month my cycle was 33 days, so if I O on CD 20-21 and have a 33 day cycle I actually have a chance!
it is SO hard not to be hopeful.
I keep trying to push aside any of those feelings, so that I don't have to deal with the let down in 2 weeks. That alone is a HUGE process for me. I am generally a hopeful and optimistic person, and I feel like this process is changing me.
I feel alone and scared a lot of the time. I feel like I have been dealt another sucky hand. I was the first person in my group of friends to have a miscarriage and now I am the first dealing with IF. I kinda hate it. There is no one to talk to about how this affects me.
I really swear if someone else tells me that babies come in their own time, and it's all God's plan or when you stop trying it will happen I think I just may lose my shit. WTF kind of advise is that anyway?? How does that even make any sense?
IF of any kind is heartbreaking and difficult to deal with, especially when the cause is unknown.
