It's been one hell of a winter. Very difficult to manage emotionally. I made the decision to step away from blogging because I felt so very pulled down by the TTC journey I was on. I felt sad and negative all.the.time. and it was so hard to bounce back. Everything in my life revolved around pregnancy, and I just think that I had had enough. I have lately started feeling the urge to blog again. The urge to free up my writer's spirit. Not that I think that I am a particularly fantastic writer, but I enjoy it, and have been craving letting my thoughts flow out. So here we are again. Still trying to conceive, still unsuccessful, but not giving up yet.
To rewind, in November we had a bit of a health crisis at my workplace which prompted the removal of anyone who was trying to get pregnant. I won't go into detail as to what happened, but all has been worked out, and we are in a much better environment now. It was a very hard and emotional time for all the 6 women that were put out. 4 of the 6 having had very recent miscarriages, and 2 of us with unexplained infertility. So my winter started with many difficult meetings, in and out of my doctor's office, and all the while doing our last round of Clomid.
When that cycle did not work, I decided that I had just had enough. I couldn't take the continual heartbreak and devastation all the time. The constant monitoring was enough to make anyone crazy. So I decided not to go on with my last 2 rounds of clomid. The thought of taking those meds again made me want to puke. So I gave them up, and I felt free. This is also the time I decided to go Gluten Free, which has benefited me so much I can't say enough. I have managed in 4 months to put on all 15 pounds that I had lost in September 2011, and feel better than I have since before I was pregnant with Ben. My cycles have even regulated themselves down to 24 days completely on their own. Do I know for sure that I am ovulating?? No, not yet, but it is something I can look into if I want, so... in time I guess.
Jump to Christmas, which was such a good day with Ben. He just loved it, and for the first time, really got the idea of it all. But then Boxing day sucked. I typically have a hard time on Boxing day because it is the anniversary of my loss, but I was gifted with some heartbreaking news about my cousin. He has terminal cancer.
I honestly still can't even believe that I typed that. It is so un-friggen-believable to me. He is 26 and survived a tour in Afghanistan, just to come home and be diagnosed with cancer. It has been a major blow to our family. He has been sick for almost a year, but kept it to himself from 9 months, only telling his brother. The different emotions that wave through me on a daily basis are so hard to manage sometimes. I know that it is all the stages of grief, but it doesn't make it any less hard. I am sick to my stomach every single time the phone rings for fear it will be 'the call'.
So basket case would have been a very apt term for me over Christmas break.
Not only did this happen, but a friend lost their baby at 33weeks pregnant. That was just another shock. We are so very sad for them. I just couldn't imagine. I can't even remotely compare my loss experience to what they went through. To have a whole nursery set up and the clothes bought and washed, just to have to pack it away.... man, not what I went through.
So recently things have evened out, gotten lighter, but I just keep waiting for that phone to ring..
It's a sucky way to live.
Here I am on cycle 20, month 18.5, and still no baby. I am hopeful that it will happen on its own, but if it doesn't than, I think that we may have to accept it as it is. We don't want to afford fertility treatments, and Dave will be 35 this fall. So we have to think realistically.
So can I be a realist and optimist at the same time??
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