Holding my Breath

2nd Trimester. 
I have made it, and I can honestly say I feel as though I have been holding my breath since May 24th when I found out I was pregnant. I have been terrified every minute of every day, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Add on top of that the stress of a family member passing away, finishing out a school year by packing and moving classrooms as well as needing to finish report cards. This created an enormous amount of stress.

To recap...
June 6th and June 10 i was sent for blood work to check my hormone levels(HCG/Betas)
Beta 1 came back in the 20000s
Beta 2 came back in the high 70000s
So we breathed a sigh of relief, my doc was very pleased with the numbers and the rise.

Next step was June 21st ultrasound which showed us a 7w5day baby with a heart rate of 162bpm which we were able to hear. Official due date February 2nd, 2014
(tiny bit of breath was let out here)

Today I had my next monthly appt and using the doppler the nurse was able to find babe's heart beat of somewhere between 152-160bpm.  (little bit more breath let out)

Next appt is Aug 27th with my anatomy scan not far behind that on Sept 13.  Maybe after this I will stop standing in my spare room looking around unable to imagine it as anything other than a collect all room. 

Having the summer off has been great, because I think if I had all my coworkers around always asking and taking about pregnancy it would be even harder to deal with. I have been able to relax and enjoy my time off with my little man and almost separate myself from this pregnancy.  Maybe I shouldn't be doing that , but in all honesty, I think maybe it's what keeps me sane.
I took a belly picture this weekend at 13 weeks exactly, and I hope to post it later.
I also hope to start blogging more often again, since I ducked out for the first tri.

I also might as well start with the weekly survey that I see on so many other blogs.

How Far Along? 13 weeks, 2days

Symptoms: Sore boobs, sciatic nerve acting up, and Round ligament pain, nausea and throwing up has essentially passed. Tired, especially by 6pm

Total Weight Gain/Loss (start weight- 128lbs ): 134.8 up 6.8lbs ...ummm Hello

Sleep: I’m having these crazy vivid dreams, but that is not too far out of normal I guess.   I’m waking to pee twice a night, and sometimes more than that if Ben wakes up.\

Food Cravings: Fries... especially poutine (Fries with gravy and cheese curds on top)

Best Moment This Week: Hearing babe’s heart beat on the doppler this morning. 

Movement: None yet. (with Ben I was in week 13, so hopefully soon?)

Labour Signs: Hopefully not anytime soon!

Gender: ooookkkk let's go with gut- I say Boy, Dave says Girl. Old wives tales say girl. we shall see Sept 13th!!!! But seriously... I will be shocked to death if this is a girl. For reals

Belly Button In Or Out? In, but starting to do some weird things this past week

What I Miss: clear skin on my face :(

What I Am Looking Forward To: Next OB appointment in August and Anatomy scan Sept 13, then we may "announce" on FB

Milestones: entering my second trimester!!

The Tough Moments in Life

Nick is gone.
He left us around 2 am Toronto time. 
My heart hurts so very much.

Be at peace my sweet cousin. You were and remain to be so very loved by us all.

Wowsies

Well, I never ended up in the right frame of mind to continue my last post. Wrapping my head around my loss was so hard. The grief and anger came in waves. I just felt like I needed to wrap myself in my bed and never come out. The disbelief that after so.many.months of trying ended in a loss was just enough to send me over the edge some days.  We planted 2 red geraniums in the memory of our first lost baby and now for our second. 

Today...
I found out I am pregnant again...
and I am scared. I watched the dye move across the test and wanted it to be negative. I know that it sounds so very weird, but I am so very scared of having a third loss. We so want this baby. We have prayed and prayed for this baby, and the thought of losing it makes me sick to my stomach. The thought that I would have a third baby in heaven makes me sad. 

May 16th I was driving home from town with Dave and it had just stopped raining very hard. We are talking black sky, down pour.  The sky broke, and the most vivid rainbow appeared. It took my breath away it was so beautiful. I said to Dave, that I saw it as a sign of hope, and told him that on TheBump.com the pregnancy after a loss group calls the baby after a loss a "rainbow" baby. It is the Piece of hope after the rain of loss. He smiled at me and said that maybe we would get our rainbow baby.  Here we are.  Hoping for our rainbow to stick.

If this baby does hang around with us, my hopeful EDD would be February 3rd, 2014.  My sister and very best friend's shared birthday. 
Could it be a sign??

Step 1--- Call Dr. Trites on Monday to see if I can get an appointment for bloodwork and an early ultrasound.
Holy shit.....

Gah!!!

This has been one Un-be-fuckin-leavable week. 
No my cousin did not pass away.

I   had  a miscarriage...

Wait...

What?!

What chu talkin' bout Willis???

I know my same thoughts.  On Friday April 5th I started spotting kinda brownish. Nothing consistent, just there when I wiped (PS if this is TMI, don't read the rest). I didn't think too much of it, since I was 11 DPO I though maybe ovulation spotting maybe.  Saturday, same thing, Sunday same until around 8pm. Spotting changed to dark brown/red chunks of tissue, and some reddish blood.  I was starting to get concerned.  Not sure what was happening.
I told my husband what was happening, and said " the last time I had anything like this, I was having a miscarriage" and He said "Oh..." 
Monday morning comes, and I wake up to get ready for work and go to the bathroom and instantly fill the toilet with dark red blood and clots and tissue. It was like a murder scene in my toilet. I was shocked. Even on my worst periods, this never has happened.   Holy shit what is wrong with me.
I still go to work, trying to piece together what is happening. 
I meet up with one of my BFFs whom I happen to work with (I am so lucky to work with my two very best friends.) who had 2 miscarriages in 6 months, and ask her about one of hers, and she said it really sounded like I was miscarrying. 
By 1030am I was going out for playground duty, and by this point I have soaked through 3 pads. I went to talk to my VP.
She immediately sent me home, and requested I go to the ER to get checked out.  Because if I wasn't pregnant I needed to know what was happening, and if I was, I needed to know what was happening.
I called my mom (Thank Jesus she lives close) she picked me up a pregnancy test and then came to get me from work.  We went back to her house, and I took the test. 

No EFFING way   2 lines.......

Holyshitholyshitholyshit......

I call Dave to update him (I had updated him all morning) and we head to Emerg.

I was asked to take a pregnancy urine test which was positive and then they gave me an abdominal ultrasound which showed nothing. So they whipped out the transvag cam and checked out my uterus closer. It was filled with blood, and they could see it all leaving my body. I should pass it all naturally, and we can try again anytime.

So I found out I was pregnant and was miscarrying all at the same time. 

Gah...
To be continued.....

Refresh

    It's been one hell of a winter.  Very difficult to manage emotionally.  I made the decision to step away from blogging because I felt so very pulled down by the TTC journey I was on. I felt sad and negative all.the.time. and it was so hard to bounce back. Everything in my life revolved around pregnancy, and I just think that I had had enough.  I have lately started feeling the urge to blog again. The urge to free up my writer's spirit. Not that I think that I am a particularly fantastic writer, but I enjoy it, and have been craving letting my thoughts flow out.  So here we are again.  Still trying to conceive, still unsuccessful, but not giving up yet.

   To rewind, in November we had a bit of a health crisis at my workplace which prompted the removal of anyone who was trying to get pregnant.  I won't go into detail as to what happened, but all has been worked out, and we are in a much better environment now.  It was a very hard and emotional time for all the 6 women that were put out.  4 of the 6 having had very recent miscarriages, and 2 of us with unexplained infertility.  So my winter started with many difficult meetings, in and out of my doctor's office, and all the while doing our last round of Clomid.   
   When that cycle did not work, I decided that I had just had enough.  I couldn't take the continual heartbreak and devastation all the time. The constant monitoring was enough to make anyone crazy. So I decided not to go on with my last 2 rounds of clomid.  The thought of taking those meds again made me want to puke.  So I gave them up, and I felt free. This is also the time I decided to go Gluten Free, which has benefited me so much I can't say enough. I have managed in 4 months to put on all 15 pounds that I had lost in September 2011, and feel better than I have since before I was pregnant with Ben.  My cycles have even regulated themselves down to 24 days completely on their own.  Do I know for sure that I am ovulating?? No, not yet, but it is something I can look into if I want, so... in time I guess.
   Jump to Christmas, which was such a good day with Ben. He just loved it, and for the first time, really got the idea of it all. But then Boxing day sucked.  I typically have a hard time on Boxing day because it is the anniversary of my loss, but I was gifted with some heartbreaking news about my cousin.  He has terminal cancer. 

I honestly still can't even believe that I typed that.  It is so un-friggen-believable to me.  He is 26 and survived a tour in Afghanistan, just to come home and be diagnosed with cancer. It has been a major blow to our family.  He has been sick for almost a year, but kept it to himself from 9 months, only telling his brother.  The different emotions that wave through me on a daily basis are so hard to manage sometimes.  I know that it is all the stages of grief, but it doesn't make it any less hard. I am sick to my stomach every single time the phone rings for fear it will be 'the call'. 
So basket case would have been a very apt term for me over Christmas break. 
 
   Not only did this happen, but a friend lost their baby at 33weeks pregnant.  That was just another shock. We are so very sad for them. I just couldn't imagine.  I can't even remotely compare my loss experience to what they went through.  To have a whole nursery set up and the clothes bought and washed, just to have to pack it away.... man, not what I went through.   
So recently things have evened out, gotten lighter, but I just keep waiting for that phone to ring..
It's a sucky way to live. 
Here I am on cycle 20, month 18.5, and still no baby.   I am hopeful that it will happen on its own, but if it doesn't than, I think that we may have to accept it as it is.  We don't want to afford fertility treatments, and Dave will be 35 this fall. So we have to think realistically. 
So can I be a realist and optimist at the same time??

Stepping away

It's time. I need to step away. From Blogging, from fertility meds, from being baby crazy.  It has been an emotional roller coaster around here lately. We have had health concerns within our work place in which we weren't certain whether it has been the cause of my infertility and the loss of 6 babies from 5 co-workers in a 6 month span. It has been stressful and exhausting and devastating for the last month, and it has been very hard.
The decision to step away from fertility meds and treatments did not come easily or was not taken lightly. After a 31 day cycle, after 2 months of 24-25 day cycles on the Clomid, I was convinced that I may be pregnant since I have not had a cycle that long since before I started Clomid. After many negative tests and a negative Beta blood test, my hopes were completely dashed. Devastation does not even begin to explain how I felt, and then I had to go run Parent Teacher interviews.

I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted and I just need to face the reality that I may not be able to have anymore children. I am giving it back to God. These Quotes have resonated with me lately...

 

I may find my way back, I just need some time to learn how to dance in the rain.

"A Hot Mess"

That is what my husband asked if I was going to be all weekend... a hot mess. I told him that there was a great chance that I would be. I am just feeling so down about all of this lately, and i am having a hard time separating myself from it.  Typically I can rationalise, and keep a positive frame of mind, but this month just seems harder for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the fact that its another fall that I am not pregnant, or the fact that 3 of my dearest, best friends are pregnant, 2 of which are both with in 4 days of each other. I had such high hopes that July would be my delivery month, but here I am, still waiting to see those 2 pink lines. I keep praying and begging that this is it for us, but for some reason, it just never is. I can't see why we are being put through this trial right now.  I of course feel excited for my friends and their pregnancies, especially since it is the first for one, but on the other hand, it makes me so sad to not be enjoying the process with them right now. 
I also feel guilty for being sad around them, and guilty for not enjoying the time that Ben was an infant. It may have been the only time in my life to experience it, and I wished away many a moment, spurring him on get to the next stage. It is a whole myriad of feelings I guess. 
Tomorrow I go back to my doctor to see what I can do next. Not sure what the outcome will be, but I am anxious non-the less.

**Please feel free to comment on a post if you have/are on the same journey. I would love to hear some feedback**