Refresh

    It's been one hell of a winter.  Very difficult to manage emotionally.  I made the decision to step away from blogging because I felt so very pulled down by the TTC journey I was on. I felt sad and negative all.the.time. and it was so hard to bounce back. Everything in my life revolved around pregnancy, and I just think that I had had enough.  I have lately started feeling the urge to blog again. The urge to free up my writer's spirit. Not that I think that I am a particularly fantastic writer, but I enjoy it, and have been craving letting my thoughts flow out.  So here we are again.  Still trying to conceive, still unsuccessful, but not giving up yet.

   To rewind, in November we had a bit of a health crisis at my workplace which prompted the removal of anyone who was trying to get pregnant.  I won't go into detail as to what happened, but all has been worked out, and we are in a much better environment now.  It was a very hard and emotional time for all the 6 women that were put out.  4 of the 6 having had very recent miscarriages, and 2 of us with unexplained infertility.  So my winter started with many difficult meetings, in and out of my doctor's office, and all the while doing our last round of Clomid.   
   When that cycle did not work, I decided that I had just had enough.  I couldn't take the continual heartbreak and devastation all the time. The constant monitoring was enough to make anyone crazy. So I decided not to go on with my last 2 rounds of clomid.  The thought of taking those meds again made me want to puke.  So I gave them up, and I felt free. This is also the time I decided to go Gluten Free, which has benefited me so much I can't say enough. I have managed in 4 months to put on all 15 pounds that I had lost in September 2011, and feel better than I have since before I was pregnant with Ben.  My cycles have even regulated themselves down to 24 days completely on their own.  Do I know for sure that I am ovulating?? No, not yet, but it is something I can look into if I want, so... in time I guess.
   Jump to Christmas, which was such a good day with Ben. He just loved it, and for the first time, really got the idea of it all. But then Boxing day sucked.  I typically have a hard time on Boxing day because it is the anniversary of my loss, but I was gifted with some heartbreaking news about my cousin.  He has terminal cancer. 

I honestly still can't even believe that I typed that.  It is so un-friggen-believable to me.  He is 26 and survived a tour in Afghanistan, just to come home and be diagnosed with cancer. It has been a major blow to our family.  He has been sick for almost a year, but kept it to himself from 9 months, only telling his brother.  The different emotions that wave through me on a daily basis are so hard to manage sometimes.  I know that it is all the stages of grief, but it doesn't make it any less hard. I am sick to my stomach every single time the phone rings for fear it will be 'the call'. 
So basket case would have been a very apt term for me over Christmas break. 
 
   Not only did this happen, but a friend lost their baby at 33weeks pregnant.  That was just another shock. We are so very sad for them. I just couldn't imagine.  I can't even remotely compare my loss experience to what they went through.  To have a whole nursery set up and the clothes bought and washed, just to have to pack it away.... man, not what I went through.   
So recently things have evened out, gotten lighter, but I just keep waiting for that phone to ring..
It's a sucky way to live. 
Here I am on cycle 20, month 18.5, and still no baby.   I am hopeful that it will happen on its own, but if it doesn't than, I think that we may have to accept it as it is.  We don't want to afford fertility treatments, and Dave will be 35 this fall. So we have to think realistically. 
So can I be a realist and optimist at the same time??

Stepping away

It's time. I need to step away. From Blogging, from fertility meds, from being baby crazy.  It has been an emotional roller coaster around here lately. We have had health concerns within our work place in which we weren't certain whether it has been the cause of my infertility and the loss of 6 babies from 5 co-workers in a 6 month span. It has been stressful and exhausting and devastating for the last month, and it has been very hard.
The decision to step away from fertility meds and treatments did not come easily or was not taken lightly. After a 31 day cycle, after 2 months of 24-25 day cycles on the Clomid, I was convinced that I may be pregnant since I have not had a cycle that long since before I started Clomid. After many negative tests and a negative Beta blood test, my hopes were completely dashed. Devastation does not even begin to explain how I felt, and then I had to go run Parent Teacher interviews.

I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted and I just need to face the reality that I may not be able to have anymore children. I am giving it back to God. These Quotes have resonated with me lately...

 

I may find my way back, I just need some time to learn how to dance in the rain.

"A Hot Mess"

That is what my husband asked if I was going to be all weekend... a hot mess. I told him that there was a great chance that I would be. I am just feeling so down about all of this lately, and i am having a hard time separating myself from it.  Typically I can rationalise, and keep a positive frame of mind, but this month just seems harder for some reason.  I am not sure if it is the fact that its another fall that I am not pregnant, or the fact that 3 of my dearest, best friends are pregnant, 2 of which are both with in 4 days of each other. I had such high hopes that July would be my delivery month, but here I am, still waiting to see those 2 pink lines. I keep praying and begging that this is it for us, but for some reason, it just never is. I can't see why we are being put through this trial right now.  I of course feel excited for my friends and their pregnancies, especially since it is the first for one, but on the other hand, it makes me so sad to not be enjoying the process with them right now. 
I also feel guilty for being sad around them, and guilty for not enjoying the time that Ben was an infant. It may have been the only time in my life to experience it, and I wished away many a moment, spurring him on get to the next stage. It is a whole myriad of feelings I guess. 
Tomorrow I go back to my doctor to see what I can do next. Not sure what the outcome will be, but I am anxious non-the less.

**Please feel free to comment on a post if you have/are on the same journey. I would love to hear some feedback**

Halloween 2012

Holidays are just so fun with a little one. Ben was starting to understand the concept of Halloween this year. He we so excited to go ring the bell and get a treat! He was dressed as a tiger since he loves animals so very much. Here a a few pics of our night!!

The Law of Attraction/Positive Reinforcement

So today I am spotting. It is day 25. I don't even actually know if I ovulated. I never got a strong positive OPK. I had cramps and pain around day 15, but I know that 9 days is just not enough. I wonder if it's a fluke because of the HSG? I am just feeling down about it all today.
My friend suggested that I make a vision board with lots of pictures of pregnant women and babies and look at it each day, and say "I WILL get pregnant this month" because according to the Law of Attraction, putting out what I want to the universe will bring around what I want. She also suggested Acupuncture, based on the fact that it took her a year to get pregnant with  her daughter, and the month she went to acupuncture BAM! pregnant. So I am thinking about all of this.
Right now I just want to sit and eat crap food and cry. :(  Why is this SO hard???

Distraction in the 2WW

        Shopping!!! Always my favourite distraction. It is really something that I don't do very often.  I do however LOVE to shop. I am a bargain hunter extrodinare! I love finding coupons and on sale items. It's awesome. On Friday, my best girls and I are heading to the US of A(Portland and Freeport Maine to be more specific)  for our annual shopping trip. We power shop from sun up to sun down and get ALL our Christmas shopping done in those days. We save up all year, and we really buy all we need for the next year. The outlet shopping in Freeport is fantastic! Gap and Banana Republic factory outlets are my favourite. I really also LOVE the time I get to spend with my best girls.

I have been dealing with a sick babe these last 4 days, and after being shut in with a crying, whimpering, feverish, vomiting 2 year old, I am MORE than ready to have some time away.  Plus what better a way to keep me occupied from thinking obsessively about pregnancy than shopping?

Let me tell you, nothing breeds crazy, obsessive thoughts like spending 4 long days laying on the couch with a sick babe!! hahaha! I am super pumped for Friday!!!!

HSG complete!

And all is clear! It was uncomfortable, but tolerable. Now I am home hanging out with some dull cramping and a fair amount of bleeding.  I notice everything right now, but I am not in pain per-say. So, all in all a success!  Now I go back to Dr. Trites in 2-3 weeks for a follow up.  Now I wait for ovulation and hope for the best!